It's funny how life can just hit ya. For while now, life has been busy! Life has been FUN! We've booked our summer full of fun activities....there's so much going on, there isn't much time to think about anything else. But there are small moments, when the craziness of life dies down, and it sinks in again. Then I find myself crying. I just turned 29. One year from 30. And no babies. Yet, all my friends are working on their 2nd to 3rd babies, and I can't even get one in the world. I am happy for all my friends, I really TRULY am. When I hear that one of them is pregnant, I feel two clashing emotions, excitement for them and a aching for me. It's like this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. How I wish that was me. When will it be my turn?
Please, don't take this the wrong way. I am happy. I am actually the happiest I've been in over a year. It's just that, I'm never free from my broken heart. For the last few months, I've tried to lock my feeling up, and consume life with fun busy times. But I can't hold them in for too long, they break free and I just have to get them out. The pain of losing my sweet Jason is still fresh, and it makes my heart hurt. He would be so big today. And my life would be so different. One of the things I hate the most is when people ask me if I have kids. I do have a son, but instead of facing an awkward situation, having to tell them the whole story and make the person feel uncomfortable cause they don't know how to react, I just say " No, not yet." Which is true, but not true at the same time. And I hate that, cause then somewhere inside me feels awful, like I am forgetting him. I don't mean to complain, especially y now, after recent events. We have much to be thankful for. I do realize, since we don't have a baby, we do have more freedom. We've been able to go on many vacations, we can sleep in, and pretty much always have a clean house cause there's just the two of us. There is pros in our situation, and I am trying to be grateful that Heavenly Father gave us this time and the means to do all the fun stuff we've done. I would of traded it ALL for my Jason, but since that is not how life works....I am thankful for the blessings we have had.
And I do know there are so many other sad stories out there, I hear about others trials, which are far worse then mine. It makes me realize how blessed we truly are. I wish I didn't forgot so often. We are especially thankful for this year. Back in March, we found out exactly why we lost our Jason. I have a Septate uterus, which is a abnormality that made it close to impossible for me to hold a baby full term. The Doctor was positive this is what caused us to lose Jason and also why it has been so hard for me to get pregnant in the first place. It was such a blessing to find this out. First, to just know what happened, to know it wasn't something I did. Second, we know what was wrong and we could try and fix the problem. Luckily for me, I am fixable! There's a surgery that can be done to make me normal, so I can hold a baby full term. We did the surgery back in April.
It was a long day for Ryan, but not so long for me. The surgery lasted over two hours, but of course I was knocked out the whole time. I remember waking up to some lady's voice, then they rolled me out to the Hall where Ryan met me. Let me just say, I love him so much. Life can be so hard, there's been lots of tears shed and I've experienced pain I didn't know existed. But it's not so bad when you have a husband like mine. He's truly the best ever.
I look awful. It looks like I haven't seen the sun for months!(Surgery is not good for my complexion!) The healing process took too long for me (once again, I'm being taught to be patient) and it was super uncomfortable. But besides all that, I am a happy girl. I'm normal. I can bare my own children, and I couldn't be more happy! We hope we can be parents sooner than later!
As most of you might already know, I'm very close to my sister Katie. She is my best friend, and has been since I was born. We are inseparable. It's funny, cause alot of people say we look like twins, then others say we don't even look like sisters. We've heard it all. But the truth is, we are Irish twins. Which means, for 9 whole days of the year, we are the same age. My birthday is before hers, so for the in between days, we are twins. Another blessing to count, is her. She is the only one that can stand shopping with me, she always gives me the bigger half when we have to share something, and no matter what....I know she will always be there for me. She took the day off for my surgery, just to show her love and support. Love her with all my heart. She took this picture of us on my birthday, since we were, at the time....twins.
This is my aunt Connie and cousin Tommy. They both hold a special place in my heart. I love them soooo much!Since we were little, we've done so much together. There's been many camping trips and memorial day picnics together, and best of all, lots of hugs! You know how some people are good huggers, well, my aunt is the best hugger! And, when I was a little girl, I had this stuffed bunny, named "Bunny" (I know, real original) that went EVERYWHERE with me. That bunny was my most favorite doll ever. To this day, I still have it. It was from my Aunt Connie. She is one of my most favorite people ever.
To have and to hold for all eternity! Awe.....
