Day Dreams

This time of year is one of my favorites. Officially today.....Autumn begins. I've noticed, in a few select areas, the leaves are changing, which enhances my excitement for the holidays. I already have all my Halloween decorations up (started early, as usual, and had them up the 2ND week of September) . Now my home is filled with pumpkin smiles, wicked witches, and ghostly greetings. I love it, every night I am way too excited to turn off the normal lights and switch to the Halloween glow of all my cute decorations. And yes, that alone I consider one of my everyday joys, small and simple, but it helps out a ton.

This time of year is very bitter-sweet to us right now. So much fun and joy comes with the holidays, but there's still the memories of last year. September 1st was the beginning of some of the best days of my life, that day.....I found out I was going to a momma. I was beaming! Life was good! I remember thinking...oh how our life was finally going to change! The holidays were approaching fast, and I kept telling Ryan "I can't wait for next year! The holidays are going to be sooooo much more fun with our baby!" I remember looking at Halloween costumes and "baby's first Christmas" ornaments and couldn't even wait for May 4, 2011 to get here. Life didn't go exactly to plan.....and here we are. Those memories have been haunting me. It hurts, knowing that he isn't here with us, and we can't celebrate our first Halloween together.

I once read that grief is like a carrying a brick around in your pocket. Everywhere you go, everything you do,that brick is always with you. In happy moments of your life, you can forget about the brick for just a moment. But then, at some point...you put your hand back in your pocket and feel the brick again. Today, I am very aware of the brick in my pocket. I miss my Jason so much. I miss my belly. I miss his little nudges and kicks. I miss planning our future together. I miss happily day dreaming about all the adventures we would have. I often wonder what he would of looked like all grown up....would he have Ryan's BLUE, BLUE eyes and his long eyelashes? Or my totally blonde hair? I remember the day, all too well, when those dreams were taken away from me.

I'm sad I can't daydream like I used to....about our future here. But, on the positive side.....my day dreams haven't stopped completely. I do day dream of Heaven, where we are together. The day will come when we will be whole again. Until then, our prayers for peace and daydreaming will just have to do.