Loneliest Walk.

I would like to say that in time, everything heals. But if I said that, I would be lying. But who knows....maybe a year isn't enough time? There isn't a day, where my heart doesn't ache and I long for my son. And even though it's been a year since we lost our Jason, the wound is still so fresh. Our family has been through a lot, and when looking back on it, I sometimes can't believe we've made it this far without going insane. It has been hard, extremely hard...and sometimes I ask the lord why he thinks I'm strong enough to go through this. I feel so weak, and I struggle and fall too much. We are both so emotionally worn out, it's exhausting. But, when thinking about all the events of this past year, I now realize , that we've been blessed with many tender mercies. How could I forget so easily? I feel ashamed for ever forgetting them, even in our times of despair. Those mercies is how we did it, how we made it through this year. We are not alone on this journey of ours.

A day I'll never forget was in November. It was a day that, most would think to be a sad day, but to us, it was a day filled with peace. It was the day we first saw Jason's headstone. Back in the Summer, around July, we started looking for the best place to get Jason's marker done. We did all the price matching, seeing what we could get for the best price. We didn't look too long when we found Bott's in Brigham City. The prices were the lowest and even better, the employees are amazing. Its not easy picking out a headstone for your baby, but they made the experience more bearable....they truly are good people. It wasn't a fast process, it took about 4 months to get everything done.

We wanted to make his marker special. We needed it to be special, a gift from his momma and daddy, to let him know we love him so much and want to give him everything we can on this earth. Ryan designed his headstone, putting meaningful symbols and our favorite saying on it.

During the months to November, we never got to see it, just some computer drawing of the layout of what we wanted.

In November, Botts called us and told us the headstone was done and that they had already delivered to the cemetery to be installed. We went to the cemetery the next day to see it, but it wasn't there. We then called the cemetery to see when they were installing it, but for some reason they didn't know. So we waited. Day light savings was that next Sunday, (which meant it got dark earlier) and still no word. Monday came around, and Ryan and I were both working. He called me during the day and told me the cemetery called, Jason's headstone was installed. I remember the day felt long, and my head wasn't there. We were stressed, with Daylight savings, by the time we got off work to see it, there wouldn't be any light left. Thanks to my lovely co-worker, she made sure we left as soon as the clock hit 5pm (closing time).

We rushed to Ogden, and then to the cemetery, and made it just in time. The ground was all snowy and I didn't wear the best shoes for snow, so Ryan gave me a piggy back up to the grave. This is the part I'll never forget, the instant I saw his gave, I started crying! It was like my body was filled with peace and comfort, like a burden was lifted off our shoulders. I can't even explain how comforting it was to finally get a headstone there for him. It wasn't just a empty space. We had a marker to set his flowers by, a marker to decorate for the holidays, a marker to visit for the rest of our lives. It was made just for him, from us.

We stood there hugging and crying, amazed by how beautiful his headstone turned out. It was so special, and I think our sweet Jason shared that moment with us.

Our Jason was named after his uncle, who like him, is an Angel. He was a baby too, he only lived 3 hours after he was born. The reason we named him after Ryan's big brother is yet another tender mercy, which we hold dear to our hearts. I bet, up in heaven, they are best buddies. We come from a strong family, our ancestors were amazing. It brings warmth to my heart to know they are together, and I'll be with them too, one day.
On January 29, we celebrated our sweet baby's birthday. He is now one year old.
Today, I still can't believe its been a year. A year ago was the worst day of our lives. A year ago, all our dreams for him were forced to stop. A year ago, we experienced pain and heartache we never knew existed. This January 29th wasn't like the last January 29th. To be honest, it was a good day. Much better than we anticipated. Our parents came with us to the cemetery to visit him, and we celebrated his birthday together as a family. Even Ellie came up too.
It was very snowy at the cemetery, and with all the flat headstones buried in the snow, we were afraid that finding Jason's headstone would be difficult. We always have had trouble finding it before, even without snow, so Ryan was stressing before we got there. Another small mercy happened that day. Ryan got out of the car, walked up the hill, curved to the right a bit and then just stopped. He then started shoveling the snow off the ground to see our baby's marker right in front of him. He walked directly to it. He didn't walk too far, or not close enough, but right to it. Without any help from surrounding headstones to help show him along the way, which were all buried in the first place. It sounds so small and simple, but to us, it felt much more then that.

Our forever family.

Happy Birthday to our sweet baby boy.

We miss you and love you so very much. We can't wait to see you again.

To: Jason, made especially for you, from: daddy.

My Ryan, my sweet and loving Ryan, is yet another reason of why I'm not insane. He is always there to listen to all my feelings, even if he has heard them a thousand times. When I'm feeling needy, he's always there giving me hugs and the extra attention I need. For Christmas, he got me the most perfect gift, a bracelet with beads of everything I love on it. There's a "J" and a baby bassinet with blue rhinestones for our Jason, "R" for Ryan, and a puppy paw print bead for Ellie. I just bawled when I opened it, it's so perfect. I love him so much, he is the most perfect husband and daddy.

There's a song by David Osmond, that every time I listen to, I cry. Not only because it's about the trail I'm facing in my life, but also because of the end of the song. I'm not alone and will never be alone. I'm not the only one who has gone through this pain and I know where I can turn for peace in my darkest hour.

She pushes 'L' on that old elevator door

Her heart is broken, arms are bare

The doors are closing and she's staring at the floor

There's still a piece of her up there

It seems like yesterday she saw him on the screen

Painted a room and picked out names

But now she has to leave him under big machines

To keep alive his tiny frame
She's on the way to her car but it's never felt this far

With every step she takes there's another to follow

And one more ache, one more tear to swallow

She's gotta keep moving
Forget about the bruising inside

Through the loneliest walk of her life.

He pushes up the board they've tied onto his shoulder

He bears, with dignity, disgrace

He hears the jeering and the wind is getting colder

Tastes the blood upon his face

His body bruised and back still open from the scourges

The consequence of wicked men

He knows no man on earth had ever deserved this

But still He bears it all for them

And he keeps moving up the hill to do his father's will

With each step he takes there's another to follow

And one more ache, one more tear to swallow

We all stand by and watch as the price is paid

Through the loneliest walk of his life

So we don't feel alone in the night

We can have His hand holding the light

Through the loneliest walk of our lives.

Keep pushing through this lonely walk you're going through

'Cause someone's walked this way before