July was a busy month. I have more events to post, filled with lots of pictures, which I meant to post today....but here I am....not doing it. I just have so much on my mind lately.
Since the end of January, our life changed forever, and so have we. At first, the shock helps numb the pain. After the shock fades, you aren't so numb anymore, and it all comes flooding back. People say time heals everything, but they failed to mention how much time? Some days I feel like I'm not so strong. It's been hard to think that I'm still stuck in this part of my life, we are so very ready for the next big step in our life. It feels like it's been a long journey, it has taken us over 2 years to get to this point. It doesn't seem to be a infertility problem, I have actually gotten pregnant twice. We lost our first baby at 7 weeks, and our sweet Jason at 26 weeks. The doctor says I'm very healthly and he says nothing is wrong with me. I guess it's just a trial we have to go through. So, after everything we've been through, here we are.... right back at square one. It's not in my control, and sometimes its hard not to feel hopeless. This has been my thought process the last couple or months. For my sanity, I NEED to change. I thought I could do this healing process by myself, that eventually everything will work out. I honestly do believe my dreams will come true, and everything will work out. But with the way I've been thinking....will this make me a better person? Will I be the momma I'm suppose to be? What is the lesson I am suppose to learn from this? It's taken me 6 months to figure it out. Some things I can't control, no matter how hard I try. I need to have faith, I have to humble myself and turn to the Lord. Not say it, but do it. I can't do this myself, I need his help. I don't know why I am typing this all down, for you all to know. I guess it's not for you, it's for me. I guess it helps me, to let you know how I feel. That I am still so very sad about losing my sweet baby, that I didn't forget him and never will. That you know I believe that we will be together again, and that I won't let this trial destroy me. I want to be a good person. I've always been a shy girl, I keep to myself and don't talk a lot. I'm the kind of girl that stays on the side lines. But since everything has happened, I saw how many people love and care for us. That I am just not some girl, on the side lines that people ignore. I am loved. Thank you for caring about us. So, I guess on here...it's easier to say how much that service means to us. It helps us feel stronger and helps lead us in the right direction. I don't want to seem like I am complaining about my life. We are so very blessed and I love my life. I wouldn't take back anything that happened. I know Heavenly father has a plan for us and for our son. I am so very proud I am his momma.
2 comments:
And I know he's just as proud to be your son! Thank you for this post Karen! I need words like this to put me in my place. You're so inspiring! I love your guts!
WOW - Karen, you are an amazing gal with so much to offer! I am inspired by your strength and want you to know that you ARE LOVED! I've never thought of you as a sideline kind of gal. You make a difference in many lives! I still think of you often, and I am sorry that you have had the struggles that have come your way. It's so good to see that you can look past the present and see the big picture. I can't imagine getting as far as you were and losing a child. I've lost, but not as far as you were. It's heartbreaking to even think about. You amaze me with your abilities. I have faith that you'll get your desires someday. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and he has other things in mind for you first. I do know that He loves you though, and is aware of your feelings. I hope He blesses you sooner than later. You are MORE than deserving of it! Sending much love!
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